The Omen (2006 remake)

Ok, I'm not going to rant about this one too badly - after all, that's M's job, and he's on vacation - but really: how the hell did this idea come about?

Picture this:

A softly lit penthouse apartment somewhere in Hollywood, Peter Kang - who is credited as executive producer at IMDB, and therefore is getting the heat on this one, nothing personal, dude - has just downed his last bit of wine/whiskey/cocaine (or whatever it is that Hollywood executive producers consume), sent the expensive prostitutes home and is in his favourite chair contemplating the next movie project to start. He switches on his enourmous 100" plasma-TV (which matches his expensive designer furniture) and catches the ending of the 1976 version of "The Omen". His eyes light up slightly (or not at all, depending on the amount of booze/drugs he's consumed) as he thinks to himself:

"Gee, The Omen was a pretty good movie, it used to scare the crap out of me when I was a kid! It had great actors, a compelling story, gruesome deaths and a creepy kid. It was pretty much perfect, actually. You know, I'm sure we could do better if we do a remake..."

Ok, ok, time out! Let's freeze the story at this point.

Cue neat visual special effect of Mr. Kang frozen in time, glass in one hand, a slightly excited look on his face and the other hand on its way to the cellphone to call the Studio. Bit steps into the frame and the scene springs back into life. Peter Kang looks slightly puzzled at Bit who's now seated opposite him:

"Uhm... Who the hell are you, and how did you get in here?!" he says without too much worry in his voice. "That is not important right now. What is important, is what I am going to tell you." Bit says, in a suitably cliche-ridden and and badly delivered way. "Look, if this is about the hookers, I've already...." Peter starts. Bit raises an eyebrow. "Dude, this isn't about the hookers. Listen: You've just had a really, really bad idea. I know you think you've had a brilliant idea, but trust me - you haven't. It's bad. Really bad." "What on Earth are you talking about? I'm a Hollywood producer; I've never had a bad idea in my entire life!" Bit rolls his eyes. "Just listen, ok?!" Peter leans back with a slight frown on his face.

"Like I said," Bit continues, "you've just had a bad idea. This bad idea includes taking something that's already working just fine, and trying to improve it. You'll be pouring an insane amount of money into this idea, and while it just might pay off in the long run financially, you're going to make a whole lot of people disrespect you." "This IS about the hookers, isn't it." Peter says with a smirk. "Would you shut up about the hookers, already?!" Bit is getting irritated. "I'm talking about your Omen remake idea! It's crap! Don't do it, man." Peter looks up. "What do you mean?"

Bit sighs. "Look, you think the original Omen is a pretty good movie, yeah? We all know what a 2006 remake means: glossy shots, glossy actors, glossy soundtrack, zero nerve. I'm sure you'll throw in a few cheap jump-scares for good measure, make the deaths a little gorier, maybe cast some iconic actor or actress in a small role... What the... why are you taking notes?" "Well, you're saving me a lot of work here. You don't mind, do you? I'm sure I can squeeze you in somewhere in the credits." Peter smiles. "No, no... Are you even listening?! You're about to destroy The Omen! I'm trying to... Nonono, I don't want to be credited! Stop taking notes, dammit!" Bit looks horrified, Peter is glowing. "That iconic actress idea is great, I'm gonna use that for sure! Maybe... what's her name... the chick from Rosemary's Baby? That'll please all the movie geeks, right? Right?" Bit looks panick-ridden.

Cue neat visual special effect again, as the frame freezes, Bit exits stage left shaking his head, while Peter looks triumphant at his notes in the background.

"Oh well, " Bit says to the camera "at least I gave it a try. Sorry everbody."

Bit walks off into the night, rain pouring down from dark skies.