The GWC Applecake Project: Bruce Campbell Edition!

Here ye, here ye! It's time for the annual GWC Bruce Campbell movie night, and yours truly - being a host of extraordinary magnificence - is making the GWC Applecake for the occation. Buckle up Bonehead, 'cause you're going for a ride!

What you'll need:

• 3 eggs
• 1.3 desilitres of milk (no low-fat crap)
• 3,3 desilitres of sugar (no substitutes, baby)
• 100 grams of butter (the real thing)
• 4 desilitres of flour (the white stuff)
• 2 teaspoons of baking soda
• 4-5 apples (firm and sour)
• sugar and cinnamon for apples and the topping...
• assorted kitchen-related powertools
• coffee (geek fuel)

Got that? Allright Mr. Fancypants, start out with peeling the apples - yes, this is the most ardous task of the entire project, but it has to be done - use whatever tool you find best for the job. Cut those apples into nice, chunky pieces and put them in a plastic baggie filled with a good amount of cinnamon and a little sugar. When all the apples are cut and in the baggie, give it a good shake so that every slice of apple is covered in sugar and cinnamon. Put the baggie aside for now.

Start melting some butter, add the milk when most of the butter is melted. Let the butter/milk combo cool off for a while.

Fire up your favourite kitchen-applience (steampowered or otherwise) adding the eggs and sugar: give it a good 1500 rpm whirl until the eggs- and sugar mix turn slightly white. Groovy!

Mix in two teaspoons of baking soda in the flour - I do this before adding the mixture to the egg/sugar mix. Pour the melted butter/milk into the egg/sugar combo, and gently sift the flour/bakingsoda into the mix. Give the whole thing another good whirl in your PowerBlender 3000 Mk. 2 (or whatever tool you see fit). Set your oven to 180 degrees celsius so it'll be ready
for the soon-to-be assembled cake.

Melt some additional butter, and wipe your cake form (standard 25 cms in diametre will do nicely) with it: this is essential to keep our cake from being disintegrated when removed from the form later on. Pour the dough - yes, it's supposed to be pretty thin, be prepared for some leakage - into the form. Now comes the fun part: get the baggie with cinnamon-and-sugar coated apples, and start inserting the pieces of apple into the cake - there are many ways to do this, and as long as the apples are somewhat evenly distributed you're free to do this in whatever way you prefer. Me, I usually start from the outside and work my way towards the middle of the form - personal preference, nothing else. Finally, sprinkle a good dash of cinnamon and a little sugar on top of it.

Insert the cake into the now heated oven (180 degrees celsius, remember) on a tray in the middle and leave it there for about 40 minutes, or until you see the top of it having a nice, brownish hue: at this point, remove the cake, poke it gently with a pin or sharp knife to see if it's cooked all the way through - it usually isn't. Then, wrap some aluminium foil on top of it,and re-insert it into the oven at a lower level to prevent the top from being burnt. I usually leave it for 10-15 minutes before applying the knife/pin test again: repeat this procedure until the dough doesn't stick to the knife/pin, this is your cue that the sucker is cooked all the way through.

Remove the cake from the oven and leave it to cool down for a good hour or two: we want it warm, but not scolding like the bowels of Hell. When it's cooled down sufficiently, GENTLY remove the form while uttering the sacred words "Clatto, Verata, Nicto!" - or the the Evil Dead will rise once ag... ehm, I mean, it'll collapse horrifically before your very eyes. A loaded
shotgun - I mean, a sharp knife - may be a good ally in this process.

That's all, you primates. Best served warm with a wallop of vanilla ice-cream and (optionally) some Jack Daniels. And remember: Shop Smart, shop S-Mart. You *got* that?!

The Omen (2006 remake)

Ok, I'm not going to rant about this one too badly - after all, that's M's job, and he's on vacation - but really: how the hell did this idea come about?

Picture this:

A softly lit penthouse apartment somewhere in Hollywood, Peter Kang - who is credited as executive producer at IMDB, and therefore is getting the heat on this one, nothing personal, dude - has just downed his last bit of wine/whiskey/cocaine (or whatever it is that Hollywood executive producers consume), sent the expensive prostitutes home and is in his favourite chair contemplating the next movie project to start. He switches on his enourmous 100" plasma-TV (which matches his expensive designer furniture) and catches the ending of the 1976 version of "The Omen". His eyes light up slightly (or not at all, depending on the amount of booze/drugs he's consumed) as he thinks to himself:

"Gee, The Omen was a pretty good movie, it used to scare the crap out of me when I was a kid! It had great actors, a compelling story, gruesome deaths and a creepy kid. It was pretty much perfect, actually. You know, I'm sure we could do better if we do a remake..."

Ok, ok, time out! Let's freeze the story at this point.

Cue neat visual special effect of Mr. Kang frozen in time, glass in one hand, a slightly excited look on his face and the other hand on its way to the cellphone to call the Studio. Bit steps into the frame and the scene springs back into life. Peter Kang looks slightly puzzled at Bit who's now seated opposite him:

"Uhm... Who the hell are you, and how did you get in here?!" he says without too much worry in his voice. "That is not important right now. What is important, is what I am going to tell you." Bit says, in a suitably cliche-ridden and and badly delivered way. "Look, if this is about the hookers, I've already...." Peter starts. Bit raises an eyebrow. "Dude, this isn't about the hookers. Listen: You've just had a really, really bad idea. I know you think you've had a brilliant idea, but trust me - you haven't. It's bad. Really bad." "What on Earth are you talking about? I'm a Hollywood producer; I've never had a bad idea in my entire life!" Bit rolls his eyes. "Just listen, ok?!" Peter leans back with a slight frown on his face.

"Like I said," Bit continues, "you've just had a bad idea. This bad idea includes taking something that's already working just fine, and trying to improve it. You'll be pouring an insane amount of money into this idea, and while it just might pay off in the long run financially, you're going to make a whole lot of people disrespect you." "This IS about the hookers, isn't it." Peter says with a smirk. "Would you shut up about the hookers, already?!" Bit is getting irritated. "I'm talking about your Omen remake idea! It's crap! Don't do it, man." Peter looks up. "What do you mean?"

Bit sighs. "Look, you think the original Omen is a pretty good movie, yeah? We all know what a 2006 remake means: glossy shots, glossy actors, glossy soundtrack, zero nerve. I'm sure you'll throw in a few cheap jump-scares for good measure, make the deaths a little gorier, maybe cast some iconic actor or actress in a small role... What the... why are you taking notes?" "Well, you're saving me a lot of work here. You don't mind, do you? I'm sure I can squeeze you in somewhere in the credits." Peter smiles. "No, no... Are you even listening?! You're about to destroy The Omen! I'm trying to... Nonono, I don't want to be credited! Stop taking notes, dammit!" Bit looks horrified, Peter is glowing. "That iconic actress idea is great, I'm gonna use that for sure! Maybe... what's her name... the chick from Rosemary's Baby? That'll please all the movie geeks, right? Right?" Bit looks panick-ridden.

Cue neat visual special effect again, as the frame freezes, Bit exits stage left shaking his head, while Peter looks triumphant at his notes in the background.

"Oh well, " Bit says to the camera "at least I gave it a try. Sorry everbody."

Bit walks off into the night, rain pouring down from dark skies.

GWC: Season Finale Roundup

Gather round, fellow geeks! Time for the annual "Geeks With Cutlery Season Finale Roundup" (tm) - oh, we have such sights to show you...

M's thoughts on season finales: It needs to be said that I inherently hate season finales, plain and simple. Watching the final episode of a good show implies that you are now willing to sit down with with a good balance of patience and anticipation and wait for the next season to start. I have a shitload of the latter and patience isn't even in my vocabulary, so I hope this somewhat draws a picture for you the predicament season finales puts me in.

Bit chimes in: While I don't hate season finales with the amount of passion M does, I do feel a strange and unsettling combination of relief, loss, anger and anticipation by the end of a seson. When that feeling sets in, it's usually a good indication of Summer being just around the corner, which (for me) usually means more reading of books than watching TV. Still, for a series-junkie, having to wait several months can be quite the ordeal.

Smallville (season 5):

Bit says:
Nothing too extravagant, but a good, solid end-of-the-world-esque cliffhanger: Clark trapped in the crystal, Lex becoming the definitive Bad Guy and the supporting cast in different states of distress. Low on originality but still solid. 6/10 geek points.

Bones (season 1):

Bit says:
Again, nothing too extraordinary: the mystery of Temperence's parents fate is reintroduced in a capturing way, and the phonecall from her father at the end was a nice touch. 6/10 geek points.

Prison Break (season 1):

Bit says:
You know, for a show of this quality, I found the finale surprisingly dull: of course, we didn't expect them to actually get on the plane, but still I was hoping for something a little more out of the ordinary - something that would have me biting my knuckles with despair for having to wait several months for the next episode. 4/10 geek points.

M says:
Anyone else notice the classical comedic chase scenes in the last 5 minutes? Man, it was like watching a Tom & Jerry cartoon. First shot: Cops are 100ft behind them... in cars! Second shot: Cops are so far behind it actually looks like they are going backwards! Third shot: Cops... again in CARS, you know... the four wheeled faster-than-running transportation devices, racing after them down a grassy hill. Fourth shot: Cops have apparently noticed the "No Driving on the Grass" sign, 'cause they're suddenly miles behind. This crap-cavalcade of a season-ender made the months to the start of season 2 slightly more bareable.

24 (season 5):

Bit says:
Another solid finale: the final double episode was pretty thrilling, and of course the Chinese would be back with a vengeance. A reasonably bleak ending with Jack beaten and bruised on the floor, begging for that final bullet. Now, I do suspect season 6 will be "24: Prison Break" with Jack escaping from some Chinese hellhole, but I'll give them the benefit of doubt for now. 7/10 geek points.

Supernatural (season 1):

Bit says:
A surprise hit (with me, at least), "Supernatural" turned out to have more to it than wise-cracking demon-hunters: the relationship between the two brothers and their father gives the series a solid foundation that strikes a cord with most viewers, I would think. The finale was great, I didn't see that truck coming at all! A classic cliffhanger, with the final shot of the boys and dad all bloody and presumably dead inside the car leaving you aching for the next episode. 8/10 geek points.

Lost (season 2):

Bit says:
Ah, yes, "Lost" - the show we all love to hate. Good things first: Clancy Brown, yay! JJ, if you bring him on as a regular, I'll give you bonus points. Also, the Desmond backstory was pretty good, adding another compelling character to the show - for how long, I guess we'll find out next season, eh brother? The ending wasn't quite as effective as the opening of the Hatch from season 1, but it was still great. 8/10 geek points minus 1 geek point for the confusion lands it a respectable 7/10 geek points.

M says:
If I don't see a spaceship in the first 2 minutes of the season 3 opener me and JJ are gonna have issues....... all I gotta say.....

Invasion (season 1):

M says:
Seldom have I seen a show that's able to build such a crescendo of drama through a season and then nail the climax so perfectly in the last couple of episodes.... only to be cancelled. 4 words come to mind, in no particular order: in, ABC, burn, hell!

Battlestar Galactica (season 2):

M says:
This has turned into one of my absolute favorite shows the last couple of years. I'm not going to get into what makes it so great, because if you haven't seen it you should get off of your fat ass and.... uhm.... sit down on your fat ass and watch the damn show!! The season 2 finale was actually something of a gem. While still being very good, it didn't leave me hanging on the edge of my seat for season 3. The ending was so cataclysmic that you know that it all just has to start over from scratch in the next season, and in that way it's good to have a few months to digest what has happened.

Firewall

Mediocre at best; plus points for not being overly techy with the tech stuff, and for some decent acting. The kind of film your mom would enjoy watching, with its family-oriented tension and of course, Harrison Ford. Which brings me to the sore point of this movie:

Han, what the hell happened to you?! You used to shoot first, kick ass and look good falling down. Now you get your ass handed to you by Paul Bettany. Yes, the scrawny looking gawddamn writer/MC from "A Knight's Tale". Geez. It's sad to admit it but Han, I mean Harrison, you've fallen from grace. Your coolness has faded into the numb mediocracy inhabited by so many of your comrades.

Rest in peace, Han. May your mantle pass on to a worthy successor.

Doom

Since we're talking low-brow entertainment and dubious CGI today - yes, I've seen "Doom". My elaborate and eloquent review goes something along these lines:

Heh. Hehe. Heheheh. Pffft. Heehee. Mwahah. Mwahahahah. *giggle* (POV sequence starts) Oooooh! Aaaaah! (POV sequence ends) Heh. Hehe. Heheheh. Pffft. Heehee. Mwahah. Mwahahahah. *giggle*

Good things:
- POV sequence
- The CGI dogs

Bad things:
- The Rock
- No hot chicks that take their clothes off

Bit's Furiously Fast Fingerfood Wraps

Easy to do, but takes a bit of time - make sure you start at least an hour before your favourite show is on...

Enough to get 4-5 people through an episode of "24" or two.

3-6 tortilla wraps (Norwegians may use potetlefse, too)
2-3 tomatoes, sliced to tiny bits
1/4 cucumber or squash, sliced to tiny bits
Some finely sliced lettuce
Some sour creme, creme fraiche, pesto and/or herb cheese
A few slices of ham, turkey or any meat-llike substance you might find in your fridge at the moment
Assorted spices like fresh basil and oregano

Spread some sour creme/creme fraiche/pesto/cheese on the tortilla (variation is the spice of life, fellow geeks), then some lettuce, your choice of meat (spicy fine slices of turkey or chicken is my favourite), tomatoes, cucumber or squash and sprinkle some basil on top. Roll it up, and cut it into two or three equally sized bits (depending of the size of your tortilla wraps); cut off the ends for that "pro" catering look. Make a few different variations of the filling on the different tortillas. Put them in the fridge until served.

The good thing about these, is that you can use just about anything you find in your fridge when making them. Health-oriented geeks may choose low-fat products and more vegetables for the filling.

Lost needs Jack Bauer

Right, we're almost at the end of "Lost" season 2, and quite frankly - the islanders need help.

Enter Jack Bauer:

* Whereas Dr. Jack will yell, try to look like a tough-guy and threaten to shoot something, Jack Bauer will "go dark" in the Dark Territory, leaving only a bloody trail of dead Others to tell the tale.

* Sayid's interrogations leave a little to be desired. When Jack Bauer starts interrogating, there will be no secrets left - at all. Tough luck, Charlie. Cry me a river, Sun.

* While the good Doc and Ana Lucia are sneaking around THINKING about training an army, Jack would have assembled, trained and successfully completed several commando raids with a small team of makeshift soldiers and still have time to smooch it out with Kate before sunset.

* Sawyer running off with all the guns with Jack Bauer there? Fat chance. Say hello to multiple fractures, Mr. Long Con.

* Michael disappearing in the jungle? Nobody gets Lost on Bauer's shift. Collateral damage, sure, but nobody gets lost. Oh, and no way would Michael walk around freely without getting the 3rd degree by Jack Bauer first!

* With Jack Bauer present, the only surprise shootings would be when Jack pops a cap in one of the bad guys asses.

Oh dear, I just realized this list is turning into one of those "Jack Bauer vs. The World" things. Sorry about that. I just think we need to tie up some loose ends by the end of the season - and as we all know, Jack Bauer is just the man for that. Discuss!

On "Lost" and custard pie

"Lost" as defined by Geeks With Cutlery: "Yes! No. Maybe? Oh, I see! No, wait. Finally! Oh, nevermind.. Where? There! No, here! Him! No, her! No, they? Aha! Oh. Huh?"

(M is getting a wee bit frustrated with Lost, methinks) - from a slightly edited MSN chat session today:

M: I hate Lost. Lost is televized hate!
Bit: But it's a GOOD hate... like the Eurovision Song Contest!
M: No... this is all bad.
Bit: Bah.
M: Bad hate in a good way; like custard pie with bacon fat.... hard to hate either.
M: ..but throw in a milligram of arsenic..... it's still mostly pie and bacon.

We love "Lost". We hate "Lost". We do love custard pie, though. Bacon fat or not.